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September 30, 2021

Nick of Time

A guy arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is checking the Big Book for the guy’s name. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, “I’m sorry, I don’t see your name in the Book.”

“How current is your copy?” the man asks.

“I get a download every 10 minutes,” St. Peter replies. “Why do you ask?”

“It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn’t arrived to your copy yet.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” St. Peter says, “but while we’re waiting for the update, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?”

“Well, one time, I was driving down a road and I saw a vicious biker gang harassing this poor girl. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4 and 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain from his nose to his ears.

“The bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost.

“But I ripped the leader’s chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in pain!’”

Duly impressed, St. Peter says, “Wow! When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago.”

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