PaintSquare.com


The First Word in Protective & Marine Coatings

A Product of Technology Publishing / PaintSquare
JPCL | PaintSquare News | Durability + Design | Paint BidTracker

Jokes and Humor

Jokes and Other Diversions

| More

August 17, 2012

How to Know if You’re Ready For Parenthood

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and then on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch, and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Get a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available, substitute roofing tacks or broken glass.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best), and take grocery shopping with you. Always keep them in sight, and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Fill a large plastic milk jug halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy Fruit Loops, Cheerios or other cereal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Fill a small cloth bag with 8 to 12 pounds of sand and soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag. Continue until 9 p.m., then lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more, and sing them until 4 a.m., when you should set the alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Repeat for five years while looking cheerful.

Physical Test (women): Attach a bean-bag chair to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months, then remove 10% of the beans.

Physical Test (men): Go to the nearest drug store, set your wallet on the counter, and tell the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Buy a newspaper, take it home, and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple with a small child. Vigorously lecture them on how to teach the child discipline, patience, tolerance, toileting and table manners. Suggest many improvements, and emphasize that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you’ll have all the answers.

Current Item rating: 4.3 out of 5

Rate this Item:


...Really?
1
2 3 4 HI-larious
5
Your Rating:


   

Humor Archive | Submit your own Item


Previous items from the past weeks

August 16, 2012
Sound Advice
I don’t know what to do...

August 15, 2012
That's Just Blarney
A group of Americans is...

August 14, 2012
Duh
Can you please cut...

August 13, 2012
Are You Sitting Down?
Dear Mom and Dad...

August 10, 2012
That's Revolting
While touring a small...

August 9, 2012
Coming To
A man is waking up...

August 8, 2012
Paying Attention
Two bored casino dealers...

August 7, 2012
His & Hers Road Trip
Hers: Pulls off at...

August 6, 2012
Marital Musings
I haven’t spoken...

August 3, 2012
Skin Deep
Women will never...

August 2, 2012
Night Out
Let’s go out...

August 1, 2012
Big Win
A man rushes into...

July 31, 2012
Seeing Clearly...Or Not
A man is relaxing...

July 30, 2012
It's All Who You Know
A guy gets pulled over...

July 27, 2012
Marketing Tips
Two beggars are...


See humor archive

KTA-Tator, Inc. - Corporate Office
KTA-Tator EH&S Services

• Ambient & Worker Exposure Air Monitoring
• Safety & Health Program Development
• Lead Paint Assessments
& Specifications
• Health Hazard & Jobsite Safety Assessments
Call 1-800-245-6379


SAFE Systems, Inc.
SAFE Systems'
Blast Lights &
Deadman Switches

Halogen or LED blast lights available with our NEW urethane bumper. Switches available in many colors for color coding your hoses.


Fischer Technology Inc.
MP0R with rotating display screen

View your coating thickness readings from any angle with rotating display screen. New graphic display with easy menu navigation. Click for Video
Call 800-243-8417


Graco Inc.
Blast with 92% less dust.

Graco EcoQuip Vapor Blast equipment performs as well as dry blasting, but reduces airborne dust up to 92%! Use less media, save money in material and cleanup. See our FREE shipping offer!


Clemco Industries Corp.
Powerful Protection in a Small Package

Mounts inside blast helmet, alerts operator to dangerous breathing-air condition by audible, visual, and vibratory alarms. Easily calibrated, battery operated.


Elcometer, Inc.
New Elcometer 456 Coating Thickness Gauge

Best In Class Just Got Better. Technologically Intelligent And Robust. Marvelous Design And Durability. An Earth-Shattering Revolution In Coating Inspection.


Bullard

The Next Generation
of Blasting

• Lightest
• Coolest
• Most Comfortable
• Most Dependable

 
 
 
Technology Publishing

The Technology Publishing Network

The Journal of Protective Coatings & Linings (JPCL) PaintSquare
Durability + Design Paint BidTracker JPCL Europe

 
EXPLORE:      JPCL   |   PaintSquare News   |   Interact   |   Buying Guides   |   Webinars   |   Resources   |   Classifieds
REGISTER AND SUBSCRIBE:      Free PaintSquare Registration   |   Subscribe to JPCL   |   Subscribe to PaintSquare News
MORE:      About PaintSquare.com   |   Privacy policy   |   Terms & conditions   |   Site Map   |   Search   |   Contact Us
 

© Copyright 2000-2014, Technology Publishing / PaintSquare, All rights reserved
2100 Wharton Street, Suite 310, Pittsburgh PA 15203-1951; Tel 1-412-431-8300; Fax 1-412-431-5428; E-mail webmaster@paintsquare.com