PaintSquare.com
Follow us on Twitter Follow us on LinkedIn Like us on Facebook Follow us on Instagram Visit the TPC Store
Search the site

 

Jokes and Humor

Jokes and Other Diversions

| More

August 17, 2012

How to Know if You’re Ready For Parenthood

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and then on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch, and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Get a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available, substitute roofing tacks or broken glass.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best), and take grocery shopping with you. Always keep them in sight, and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Fill a large plastic milk jug halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy Fruit Loops, Cheerios or other cereal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Fill a small cloth bag with 8 to 12 pounds of sand and soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag. Continue until 9 p.m., then lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more, and sing them until 4 a.m., when you should set the alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Repeat for five years while looking cheerful.

Physical Test (women): Attach a bean-bag chair to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months, then remove 10% of the beans.

Physical Test (men): Go to the nearest drug store, set your wallet on the counter, and tell the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Buy a newspaper, take it home, and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple with a small child. Vigorously lecture them on how to teach the child discipline, patience, tolerance, toileting and table manners. Suggest many improvements, and emphasize that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you’ll have all the answers.

Current Item rating: 4.3 out of 5

Rate this Item:


...Really?
1
2 3 4 HI-larious
5
Your Rating:


   

Humor Archive | Submit your own Item


Previous items from the past weeks

August 16, 2012
Sound Advice
I don’t know what to do...

August 15, 2012
That's Just Blarney
A group of Americans is...

August 14, 2012
Duh
Can you please cut...

August 13, 2012
Are You Sitting Down?
Dear Mom and Dad...

August 10, 2012
That's Revolting
While touring a small...

August 9, 2012
Coming To
A man is waking up...

August 8, 2012
Paying Attention
Two bored casino dealers...

August 7, 2012
His & Hers Road Trip
Hers: Pulls off at...

August 6, 2012
Marital Musings
I haven’t spoken...

August 3, 2012
Skin Deep
Women will never...

August 2, 2012
Night Out
Let’s go out...

August 1, 2012
Big Win
A man rushes into...

July 31, 2012
Seeing Clearly...Or Not
A man is relaxing...

July 30, 2012
It's All Who You Know
A guy gets pulled over...

July 27, 2012
Marketing Tips
Two beggars are...


See humor archive
Advertisements
 
DeFelsko Corporation
 
PosiTector SHD Shore Hardness Durometer
 
PosiTector SHD measures the hardness of non-metallic materials. Features a measurement timer, auto ignore mode and internal memory. Shore A or D available.
 

 
HoldTight Solutions Inc.
 
NO FLASH RUST - NO CONTAMINANTS
 
Our HoldTight®102 salt remover & flash rust
preventer prevents flash
rust by removing surface contaminants. Contact us
for your nearest distributor.
(800) 319.8802 sales@holdtight.com
 

 
Safway Services
 
Safeguard Assets. Ensure Productivity. HAKI®
 
Protect assets and equipment. Keep facilities open and operational. Maintain schedules regardless of weather. Ensure smooth and continuous production. Easy to erect. Safway is the primary distributor of HAKI® products including HAKISPAN and HAKITEC® 750 – in North America.
 

 
SABRE Autonomous Solutions
 
Safety
 
Removing blasting operators from harmful environments is our key objective.
 

 
Novatek Corporation
 
Novatek Corporation, Dustless Coatings Removal
 
Strip, clean and profile all dust free! Comply with new lead standards. Contact today: (866) 563-7800
 

 
Modern Safety Techniques
 
Modern Safety Techniques
 
With our unique LTCat, we can help to provide clean, safe breathing air to your workers. Take a look at our Breathing Air Systems, we supply at least twice as much charcoal as our competitors! Modern
 

 
SSPC: The Society for Protective Coatings
 
http://www.sspc.org/
 
Join SSPC and Enhance
Your Career !
 

 
Detail Masters
 
Overspray Removal
 
We offer professional, turnkey service and unparalleled quality!
Our process can save hundreds— even thousands of dollars. It's fast, environmentally safe and 100% guaranteed.
 

 
 
 

Technology Publishing Co., 2100 Wharton Street, Suite 310, Pittsburgh PA 15203-1951

TEL 1-412-431-8300  • FAX  1-412-431-5428  •  EMAIL webmaster@paintsquare.com


The Technology Publishing Network

Durability + Design PaintSquare the Journal of Protective Coatings & Linings Paint BidTracker

 
EXPLORE:      JPCL   |   PaintSquare News   |   Interact   |   Buying Guides   |   Webinars   |   Resources   |   Classifieds
REGISTER AND SUBSCRIBE:      Free PaintSquare Registration   |   Subscribe to JPCL   |   Subscribe to PaintSquare News
MORE:      About PaintSquare.com   |   Privacy policy   |   Terms & conditions   |   Site Map   |   Search   |   Contact Us