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August 13, 2012

Are You Sitting Down?

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months since I left for college. I am sorry for not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but please sit down before you read on.

Are you sitting down?

OK! Well, then, I am getting along pretty well. The skull fracture and concussion I got when I jumped from my dorm window during the fire are pretty well healed. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately, a neighborhood gas-station attendant saw the fire and my jump and called 911. He also visited me at the hospital. Since my dorm was destroyed and I had nowhere to live, I accepted his kind invitation to share his apartment. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy, and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven’t set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby with all the love and tender care you gave me.

Alas, our wedding has been delayed by a minor infection that my fiancé has contracted. I carelessly caught the bug as well,  and we have not yet passed our blood tests. I am sure that the daily penicillin shots will clear it all up soon.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and ambitious, if not educated. And with your often professed tolerance, I know that his different race and religion will not concern you.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no fire, no jump, no concussion or skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, am not pregnant or engaged, do not have syphilis, and am not dating anyone.

However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Love,

Your Daughter

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