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April 24, 2014

New Rules

New Rule: Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years: because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of fast-food chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport; it’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too danged exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called The Howard Stern Show.

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