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April 24, 2014

New Rules

New Rule: Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years: because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of fast-food chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport; it’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too danged exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called The Howard Stern Show.

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Previous items from the past weeks

April 23, 2014
New Miracle Diet
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April 22, 2014
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April 21, 2014
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April 18, 2014
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April 17, 2014
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April 16, 2014
New Rules
Stop saying that...

April 15, 2014
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April 14, 2014
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April 11, 2014
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April 10, 2014
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April 9, 2014
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April 8, 2014
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April 7, 2014
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April 4, 2014
Legal Lions
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April 3, 2014
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See humor archive
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