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April 24, 2014

New Rules

New Rule: Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years: because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of fast-food chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport; it’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too danged exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called The Howard Stern Show.

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Previous items from the past weeks

April 23, 2014
New Miracle Diet
A doctor puts his obese...

April 22, 2014
Top Reasons I Hate My Cubicle
Damned near impossible...

April 21, 2014
Miscellaneous Terms
A person who has stopped...

April 18, 2014
Daily Prayer
Dear God...

April 17, 2014
3 For 3
My stuffing was...

April 16, 2014
New Rules
Stop saying that...

April 15, 2014
Monkey Business
A small Wild Animal Park...

April 14, 2014
Top Reasons I Hate My Cubicle
Being told to...

April 11, 2014
Hey!
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April 10, 2014
Since You Asked
A truck driver is rolling...

April 9, 2014
Always Be Prepared
Dorothy and Edna...

April 8, 2014
It Was Nothing
There were still a few...

April 7, 2014
Nick of Time
A guy arrives...

April 4, 2014
Legal Lions
A gang of robbers...

April 3, 2014
Making the Grade
The nineteenth century...


See humor archive

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