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April 16, 2014

New Rules

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky sons of guns.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this stuff at the supermarket, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” oh, you’re a huge jerk.

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Previous items from the past weeks

April 15, 2014
Monkey Business
A small Wild Animal Park...

April 14, 2014
Top Reasons I Hate My Cubicle
Being told to...

April 11, 2014
Hey!
A doctor calls...

April 10, 2014
Since You Asked
A truck driver is rolling...

April 9, 2014
Always Be Prepared
Dorothy and Edna...

April 8, 2014
It Was Nothing
There were still a few...

April 7, 2014
Nick of Time
A guy arrives...

April 4, 2014
Legal Lions
A gang of robbers...

April 3, 2014
Making the Grade
The nineteenth century...

April 2, 2014
At the Movies
A woman is leaving...

April 1, 2014
Q&A
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March 31, 2014
Old Mrs. Pierpoint
Worried that they hadn’t heard...

March 28, 2014
Two Bits
A man and a little boy...

March 27, 2014
Bumper Stickers
As long as there are tests...

March 26, 2014
Making the Grade
Delegates from the original...


See humor archive
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