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April 16, 2014

New Rules

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky sons of guns.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this stuff at the supermarket, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” oh, you’re a huge jerk.

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April 15, 2014
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