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August 23, 2013

Not Raising Hogs

TO:   Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend Bubba Peterson in Alexandria, LA, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies.

I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

Bubba is joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for 20 years, and the most money he ever made was $422 in 1968 -- until this year, when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

I have another question: If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not raising?

Finally, I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send me any information you have on that. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment compensation and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,
Mr. Smith

P.S.  Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

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