| Connect Follow us on Twitter Like us on Facebook
About | Subscribe | Advertise


Jokes and Humor

Jokes and Other Diversions

| More

August 23, 2013

Not Raising Hogs

TO:   Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend Bubba Peterson in Alexandria, LA, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies.

I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

Bubba is joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for 20 years, and the most money he ever made was $422 in 1968 -- until this year, when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

I have another question: If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not raising?

Finally, I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send me any information you have on that. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment compensation and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,
Mr. Smith

P.S.  Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

Current Item rating: 3.6 out of 5

Rate this Item:

2 3 4 HI-larious
Your Rating:


Humor Archive | Submit your own Item

Previous items from the past weeks

August 22, 2013
Useful Organ
Doc, what’s the appendix...

August 21, 2013
Every Last Nickel
A father and his young...

August 20, 2013
2 Stuffed Dogs
Paddy took two...

August 19, 2013
Sexual Security
Mary and Sue...

August 16, 2013
Careful What You Wish For
I was talking to...

August 15, 2013
Common Sense
Why do birds...

August 14, 2013
Trick Answer
A police recruit...

August 13, 2013
Sound Medical Advice
A man goes...

August 12, 2013
Government Guideline
If it ain’t...

August 9, 2013
Lucky 7
After leaving the racetrack...

August 8, 2013
A famous sex...

August 7, 2013
Paddy took two stuffed...

August 6, 2013
No Rest for the Weary
Sir, your wife needs...

August 5, 2013
Wordzzz of Wisdom
Woman to doctor: “My husband...

August 2, 2013
Dear Mother-in-Law...
Fed up with...

See humor archive

Elcometer, Inc.
Elcometer 106 Pull-Off Adhesion Tester

Portable, easy to operate; Provides numerical value for adhesion; Comes in carrying case - Ideal for site tests; No power supply necessary.

GMA Garnet USA
GMA Garnet™
Natural Abrasives

- Superior cleaning
- Even Profile
- Low Dust
- Cost-Effective
- Environmentally friendly
- Recyclable up to 5 times
Tel : +1 832 243 9300

IBIX North America
Portable Powder Coating System

All-in-one skid mounted system for on-site repairs. Durable coating for industrial, structural steel, pipeline and marine applications. 727-322-4611

Avalotis Corporation
Choose experience. Choose quality. Choose safety.

Avalotis Corporation has been meeting and exceeding clients’ specifications and expectations for almost 50 years. The first name in painting and protective coatings: Avalotis.

Armakleen Company, The
ARMEX when nondestructive cleaning is critical

When cleaning substrates that cannot be damaged the only blast abrasive to use is ARMEX. Other blast abrasives can remove surface materials damaging the substrate.

DeFelsko Corporation
PosiTest Automatic Adhesion Tester

Electronically controlled hydraulic pump applies smooth and continuous pull-off pressure at user selectable rates. No twisting, pumping or cranking.

Graco Inc.
Graco Mortar Pump

The M680 sprays epoxy-based mortars, anti-skid coatings, cementitious and filled materials. Compact.
Easy to use.
Call 877-844-7226 or

CS Unitec
Peening Preparation Tools

CS Unitec’s hand-held scarifiers are an ideal alternative to small-area shot blasting for cleaning and preparing concrete & metal surfaces.

Absolute Equipment/Grand Rental Station
Portable Power from Absolute Equipment

•Lighting Systems
•Light Compaction
Sales • Rental • Service
Call 1-866-931-6655
Over a century of
providing excellence.

Novetas Solutions
Number 1 Crushed Glass Abrasive in America!

Manufactured from 100% Recycled Glass.
NO Crystalline Silica,
Beryllium & Arsenic
Great White Metal Finish!
4 plants on Navy QPL
Call us at 866-775-6226

Technology Publishing

The Technology Publishing Network

The Journal of Protective Coatings & Linings (JPCL) PaintSquare
Durability + Design Paint BidTracker

EXPLORE:      JPCL   |   PaintSquare News   |   Interact   |   Buying Guides   |   Webinars   |   Resources   |   Classifieds
REGISTER AND SUBSCRIBE:      Free PaintSquare Registration   |   Subscribe to JPCL   |   Subscribe to PaintSquare News
MORE:      About   |   Privacy policy   |   Terms & conditions   |   Site Map   |   Search   |   Contact Us

© Copyright 2000-2015, Technology Publishing / PaintSquare, All rights reserved
2100 Wharton Street, Suite 310, Pittsburgh PA 15203-1951; Tel 1-412-431-8300; Fax 1-412-431-5428; E-mail